


Too often, the only escape is sleep

by maxisnotthatamazing



Category: Original Work
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Gay Male Character, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Original Character(s), Panic Attacks, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-15
Updated: 2020-01-19
Packaged: 2021-02-26 18:14:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,080
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21802792
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maxisnotthatamazing/pseuds/maxisnotthatamazing
Summary: Elliot is a teenager struggling with depression, anxiety, his lack of support because he is gay and his whole life in general.
Kudos: 1





	1. Chapter 1

Like every normal day, Elliot wakes up, takes the bus and goes to school. Getting out of bed is becoming harder every morning. He doesn't even know how he managed to get up, walk , talk, or even function. Like every normal day, he doesn't know why he's living, what's the point of life? Why are we alive? Why are we aware of ourselves? Why some people are managing easily their existence, while others don't? Like every normal day, Elliot question his existence.

While walking toward his bus stop, his finger press the skip button of his music, he can't stand happy music right now. He stops when he recognizes the first note of his favourite depressed song, Impossible year-by Panic! At The Disco. This song had make him cry a couple of times, but now he won't cry, he'll just listen and analyze the lyrics.

He's tired. Tired of everything, of school, of his parents, well of his father actually, of himself. His father lives in a three hours away town from him. For now, Elliot doesn't go at his father's home anymore, not only he doesn't support him, but he also is making his life more of a nightmare. Elliot's gay and his father thinks it's a phase.

Like every normal day, Elliot will go to school and try to survive the day. At least, he has his friends.


	2. Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING- self harm and description of it

This day, everything seemed wrong. Elliot had to force himself to get out of bed. He didn't want to live, it was exhausting. He managed to get up, went to the kitchen, where his mom was running late.

"mornin-" he grumbled under his breath, he didn't even make an effort to seem happy.

"Good morning! How are you feeling this morning? Are you gonna be okay? Oh, and for tonight, you could ask a friend to come over-" she talked way too fast.

"Erm... I dunno, I just want to sleep, I'm tired. And I'll try to see with Abigail or Luca for tonight" he seemed detached, his tone was slow and monotonous. He sighed.

He glanced his head up and took notice of his mom's face, he felt his blood freezing in his veins. Her eyes were watered, she was biting her lip. She was looking at him and down, then him again. 

Great, the first thing I manage to do is making my mom anxious! Why am I like this? She didn't ask to have a kid like me, she doesn't deserve this! It's my fault, I should try to be more-

"Great, keep me informed!" She cut him from his thoughts.

She was to good to him, he didn't deserve her. She pulled him in a quick hug before running for the stairs. She opened the door and waved him goodbye. He was now alone, with only his thoughts to keep him company. He got back to the counter, where he maked his lunch.

Back to his room, he stared at the clothes on his chair, he really needed to clean his room, but he didn't even care. He would be exhausting anyway and he didn't have time this morning. He didn't even acknowledge that he was biting his lip really hard. His mind was racing fast and he just wanted to get out of his head. He turned around, saw an invisible ink pen on his desk, grab it, removed the cap and stared at it. He just observed it for one minute, he didn't really wanted to do this, but it felt like he wasn't the one controlling his own mind or body. He knew he would regret it, but he didn't care.

He did it. He hurt his arm with the pen, strongly. On his skin appeared now a thin line from the pen, soon the stroke became more red and swollen. It burn, it was itchy. He did it again and again and again, until his arm was mostly covered by swollen stroke. He exhaled as he took the pen with his other hand. He took a big breath and squinted his eyes, exhale and did the same on his right arm. He put the mental pain into physical pain.

That's almost how every morning went. Nobody knew. Nobody needed to know. He put a long sleeves shirt and finish his morning routine. His forearms were hurting and burning, but he couldn't care. He was ashamed by it, he just rolled down his sleeves and left his house.


	3. School

Gosh he wished he could be sleeping right now. His eyes felt so heavy, his whole body seemed to weight double as normal. He would still managed to get to the end of the day.

He entered the school. Putting one foot in front of another as if it was the most difficult thing to do. He lift his head and noticed Abigail, his best friend. Gosh that she was pretty, the perfect height, her hair was long and wavy, she often complains about her look, but for Elliot, she was absolutely beautiful. He wasn't attracted to her in a romantic way, of course, but he still finds her perfect. He met her emerald green eyes, she smiled and waved at him. He felt his cheeks becoming red, he looked down and went directly to his locker. She doesn't deserve me, I am a mess, I am hiding things from my best friend. I am the worst, she should walk away and never talk to me again, it would be better for her.

He picked up his binder and when upstairs. The bell rang and he sat down. Nathan poked him on the shoulder. He sighed and turned around to look at him.

"Hey Lio, could you help me? I don't understand maths-" he put a big smile.

Of course he wants me to help him, I'm good at maths. Well, I was, now I don't even do the homework, I barely understand in class. Why would he wanted me to help? I'm no good-

He looked up to see the confused face of his friend. Shit, have I think out loud?? Nathan opened his mouth and just smile again.

"So, you're gonna help me?" He laughed.

"Huh? Oh, right,y-yes, sure" Elliot stutter.

"Elliot, you okay?" Abigail softly asked.

Shit! Shit! Why is everyone so...intense? No, they're just like always...why am I so weird? Right, my sleeves. Fuck! My sleeves, were they rolled up? did she saw? She probably saw, she knows, fuck! He checked his sleeves, they were a little rolled up, but not enough to let the marks visible. His heart was beating fast, his palms were sweaty, his breathing was fast.

She look at him with an empathic look. She softly smile and put her hand on his knee.

"What is it? What's wrong?" Her voice was calm, she didn't seem upset or disappointed.

Elliot sighed. She hadn't see. Still, his chest felt thigh, he was lying to her...

"I'm tired. And depressed, but-" he cut himself for continuing in this way."-yeah, that's all" he affirmed while scratching the end of his hair on his neck.

———

At lunch, he was sit down with his friends, like usual. But again, it felt wrong. Luca was distant recently. Elliot couldn't help but to think his was in part his fault. He probably was a bad friend for him too. His leg started shaking without him even realizing it. He felt the panic in himself. No, no, no. This can not happen, I can't have a panic attack! What would I tell my friends? No, I can't. He breathed in, shakily and slowly. And breathed out, his eyes were watered. He was now shaking totally. Nathan coughed. He lift his head.

"Okay, what's really the matter? And don't lie to me" he was calm, but his tone was firm.

"I-a, I, I think I'm starting to panic." His voice braked.

"I see that...okay, look at me. Breath in. Now, breath out." His attention was all on Nathan.

I don't deserve him, why are they even my friends? All I do is mess and shit.

"Okay, now lets go to the lockers." He ordered.

———

Nathan was press on a window. He looked at Elliot with a septic face. He knows... Time seemed to have frozen, everything things around him became low. He needed to think. What was he gonna say? It seems to be an eternity when Nathan finally spoke.

"Roll up your sleeves-" this time, his tone wasn't gentle, it was firm and almost mad.

"Wh-what? Why? N-no, no!" Elliot shouted this way to quickly and loud. Now, for sure Nathan knew.

"That's was I thought... who knows?" Now, it was more of a friendly tone, a calm one.

"-you" he answered softly.

He cracked his knuckles while his leg was glancing over. He didn't want anyone to know, now someone did. And it was only the beginning.


	4. Empty

It was already the end of the day. How did it pass? Time was all messed up. Eli was now sitting on the bus. He put his earphones in. Everything became distant, the kids yelling, the radio, people chatting beside him. He turned up his music volume. His jaw was clenching, his hand forming in a fist. His head felt heavy. His felt the tears coming up. Eyes burning. Face heating. Chin shaking. He turned around, looked outside, he just didn't want any of this. He wanted everything to stop.

He finally got out of the bus. After putting a fake smile and saying bye to the bus driver. She was nice. She hadn't done anything to him. She deserved to have at least a smile.

He walked fast, his breath not catching up. He didn't care. His nails digging hard in his palms. It hurt. The cold and sharp wind on his face. He felt so dead while everything remembered him that he was living. He couldn't continue. It needed to stop. He wasn't gonna made it through.

His hand shakily turned the key and he weakly pushed the door. His mom was still at work. He had some time alone. His friends couldn't come tonight. He wasn't mad, he was almost grateful, he wanted to be alone. He hated himself for thinking that.

Everything had been too much. Every sound, light, everything. Too much noise, even though he was alone. The sound of his steps. The sound of his breath. The sound of his heartbeat, which he wished it stopped, not only the noise, the heartbeat. He felt over sensory. He was going to burst out. He felt it. He wasn't going to continue.

His palms being sweaty. His breathing accelerating. His eyes glancing at everything. His heart beating faster and faster. It was too much. Too much for him. He needed to do something. To feel something real.

He had done it again. It hurt. It burned. But it was making him feel something. He wanted to feel something, anything. This boy was tired of feeling nothing. Of pretending. Of being empty. Empty. That's all he was. He was dead. Well not physically. Not yet.

He needed to make sure his mom wouldn't find out about the self harm. She didn't need this. She didn't deserve it. It would hurt her so much. He couldn't do that to her. He would break her.


	5. New guy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: self harm and description

The next morning, nothing was really different than usual. Elliot waked up, got dressed, took the bus and entered the school. Everything was as always, except one tiny detail. There was a person he didn't recognized in his first class.

"Who's this?" he asked his best friend Abigail. She snorted and smile.

"Is someone already having a crush on the new student?" She laughed. Eli felt himself blushing.

"What? No! That's- that's ridiculous!" He couldn't help but to look in the direction of the new boy. His blue eyes were absolutely beautiful. His fluffy raven black hair made him look soft and- fuck. He was in fact starting at the boy and finding him pretty. Abi coughed to get his attention. She gave him those eyes that say "I told you so". He turned around to look at the boy again and noticed him staring back. His turned to his desk quickly and tried to hide his red face behind his friend.

———

At lunch, Eli made sure to keep his sleeves down, there was still marks on his arms. His friends were teasing him about the new guy. His face went red again. He didn't even know his name. And chances were, that he was straight.

"You gotta talk to him" Nathan's voice take him back to reality. He was grinning. "If you want things to happen, you need to do something"

"Hm. But I don't even know if he likes guys" Eli tried to excuse himself.

"Well, look up his Facebook!" He exclaimed.

"I don't know his name..." Eli said shyly.

"His name's Michael Howlter" he grinned again.

———

Back to his home, Eli let himself fall on the couch. This day had been exhausting, like every other day, but this time, he felt something. He wasn't sure what but his chest was thigh. He still knew that he was going to stay on the couch and depressed all night long, like every other day. 

His mom arrived and they watched a tv show. They talked a bit and she went in the shower. He was again, alone with his thoughts. They were draining his energy. He was done, Eli didn't even had the force to get up before he did and headed directly in the shower.

After, he went back in the living room and said goodnight yo his mom. He headed back to his room. His jaw clenching. Bitting his lip. He knew what he was going to do. He felt horrible, he wasn't only doing this to himself, but to his mother, his friends, even if they didn't know.

He closed the door shut. Open the drawer with a shaky hand and took a blade. Again, he just stared at it. Before putting the cold metal on his skin and sliding it. It hurt in a different way, this was a pain new to him. He did it again a couple of time and observed the little red lines appeared. Small drop of blood appeared and he wiped it with a tissu. The pain was now different. It was burning and always there. He put the blade back and went in his bed.

His forearm was hurting. He thought only about it, he put all of his attention to it, not to what was in his head. He closed his eyes and wait for sleep to take him.


	6. Friend

Saturday morning, Elliot was waken up by his phone buzzing. He glanced his tired eyes at it to see a couple a notifications. He blinked repeatedly and saw that Abigail had text him but he also had an Instagram notification. Someone started to follow him. He sat up in his bed and open his phone. He rolled his eyes when he saw Abigail's texts. 

Hey Eli! Have you already ad the new boy on Facebook?

You should talk to him..!

He sighed and typed back.

No, I haven't yet, and I'll see, i don't want to be awkward...

He stood up and stretched his arms. He felt a pain in his forearm and realized that he probably hurt his cuts. He rolled up his sleeves with a shaky hand. The cuts didn't see to have open. The boy was stood in the middle of the room, observing his arm, if someone happened to saw that, he would seem freak.

His phone buzzed in his pocket. The new follower had liked one of his post. He open the app to see who it was. Elliot recognized those eyes on the person's profile picture. They were deep blue. His heart started to beat faster. Bitting his lip, he clicked hesitantly on the username to get to his profile. It was him, Michael. He had some pictures with people that seemed to be his friends and pictures where he was alone, he was handsome. 

While scrolling through the pictures, Elliot accidentally liked a picture, clumsy as he was. He started to panic, fast breaths, faster heartbeat, blurred vision, shaky hands. 

"Fuckfuckfuck-" he paused himself and think that the boy had also liked one of his pictures. It probably wasn't that bad. Elliot was starting to clam down when his phone buzzed again.   
Michael had DM him.   
Elliot let himself fall down on his bed. He was dreaming, it wasn't real, it couldn't be. It was a nightmare. He put his phone up, enough to see the screen and hesitantly clicked on the new message.

Hey, I guess you already know, but I'm the new student... anyway, you seem nice and I was wondering if you wanted to maybe chat since I don't know anyone..?

Nice-? He thinks I'm nice?? Elliot thought while trying to type an answer.

Hi, yeah I figured who you were! And thx, you seem nice too. What   
brings you in this school?

That's how Elliot found out that the boy had move town. He also learned that he has a young brother. He loves to draw and write. And just like Elliot, he found music to be the best thing that exist and his favourite band his Panic! At the Disco.

Elliot felt something he hadn't experience in a long time, happiness. It wasn't big, but it felt nice and warm. A smile was printed on his face and he felt himself blushing. This boy was probably going to be important to him soon enough.


	7. Feeling

Saturday morning had been great. Even more than great. Elliot had felt something, that hadn't happened in a long time. His stomach twisting and he couldn't help to smile. He felt lighter and maybe even happy. He eventually got dress and went downstairs to find his mom eating breakfast.

"Good morning, you seem good today! How come?" She asked, grinning.

"Dunno... just slept well I guess" he answered quickly. His thoughts didn't failed to make him smile softly still.

His mom was really nice and comprehensive. She knew he was going through something difficult and that he couldn't just be "okay". She supported him even, and  
he absolutely needed this support right now. He felt bad still for putting her through all of that. She didn't do anything to deserve it. At least, she didn't give up on him.

They didn't talk much. At some point, Elliot raised his head, he saw the absence of distress in her face, she seemed so peaceful. Her face was released and relaxed. Her tiny light blue eyes were looking down, not acknowledging her son eying her. Her brownish red hair was softly waving. Elliot had her hair, except he dyed it all blue and green. He also had her freckles and pale skin. She was gorgeous. She was his reason to stay alive. That thought made him fell horrible yet he wanted to smile.

"-to the store, later, okay?" He mouth was slightly open and she was giving him a questioning look.

"Er... what?..." he said, confused. He had zoned out, and had no idea what she had say.

"I asked if it was okay if we go to the store later." She smiled, but her eyes were showing that she was annoyed.

"Erm... yea-yeah, sure..!" He said quickly and returned to eating his cereals.

———

"Elliot! Come on! We need to go. Hurry sweetie!" She loudly said from downstairs.

Elliot quickly took a pair of jeans from his floor and put them on. He then grabbed the same shirt he had wore the day before and run down the stairs to meet his mom. 

She was anxious and it showed. She was bitting her lip again. Elliot leaned down to take his shoes. He remarked his mom's shaking leg. This confirmed his thoughts, she was anxious. He knew it was because of him and felt his stomach dropped. He finally got all dressed to go out and they left.

———

Elliot didn't felt like driving. He knew his concentration wasn't at its best. He was mad about it and wanted to be able to do everything normal, but he couldn't. He wasn't even able to drive and that made frustrated him. At least, his mom was nice again, and didn't insist when he said no to driving.

The whole drive was filled by an awkward silent that neither of them wanted to break.

They entered the store and started to get what they needed. Elliot didn't really wanted to be there, but he knew his mom felt better not letting him alone at home.

At some point, she just asked him to go get something while she was getting something else. This was weird, she didn't usually sent him to get something, but it was near Christmas, so that seemed logical.

He walked through a couple of alleys before getting where he needed to. Elliot just picked the item and turned around quickly to walk again. He probably should have look before doing that, or at least, not do it so fast. 

He felt something hurting his shoulder and then, he was lying on the ground, his back in pain. He tried to get up, without even thinking. Something blocked him from doing it, or someone. The person quickly get up and apologized. They offered a shaky hand, Elliot squinted his eyes, his vision blurry. It took him a long time to realize the offer but took it. He got up, painfully.

"Hey mate, I'm really sorry-...Elliot?" Elliot looked at the person face confused. How did he knew his name? Then he caught up, this person was nobody else than the guy that made him felt something. Michael. 

"Hi, erm.... yeah sorry..." Elliot said shyly, scratching his head, looking down to avoid eyes contact.

"You sure you're okay?" He didn't seem convinced, passing an hesitant hand in his hair and smiling softly.

"Yeah, just hurt a bit my back" he tried to shove quickly, as if he was totally fine, with he was not. He felt dizzy and his head hurt, but the last thing he wanted was to stay in this situation any longer. "Don't worry....I'm...I'm fine"

Elliot felt himself blushing and wanted to end the conversation fast. He stood there awkwardly and didn't say anything. He was an absolute mess and disaster.

"Well... okay, then, I gotta go, but see you" the other boy said, breaking the silence. He turned around and walked fast.

What did just happened? That's the only thing that came to Elliot's mind. He stayed stood there for a couple of seconds before heading back to his mom.

She didn't say anything about him taking a long time when he got there. He was glad, because he didn't want to tell her or talk about it. She didn't even know that the new student in his class had acknowledged him.They went to the register and headed back to the car once they were outside. 

Elliot got up to his room not long after coming back. He turned his back to his bed and let himself fall down on it. A sharp pain due to the impact made him clenched his teeth. He remembered the fall of earlier. He stayed on his bed, not moving for a minute, before relaxing slowly his whole body, and stared at the ceiling, getting lost in his thoughts.

He couldn't help to smirk when the thought that this boy always make him felt something crossed his mind. This time, it was just a bit more violent and concrete than the twisting stomach. Maybe this boy was going to change him. He hoped so.


	8. Dark

He woke up to his phone buzzing. He lifted his head to see it and let it fall again on his pillow. He groaned and took his phone. He squinted his eyes trying to see the screen, too bright. It was nearly 9 in the morning, he wished he could sleep. He opened his phone to see that Abigail had texted.

Hey, we need to do the lab in chemistry.

Elliot?

Eli??

Hello? It's due today!

Fuck- he had totally forget about it. He shoved the blankets away and put his feet on the ground. Stretching his arm and groaning trough the pain of the cuts.

———

He had finish. He let his head fall on his bed. He looked at the ceiling. Elliot knew he shouldn't stay like that, that he was gonna be depressed. He didn't care. He put his earphones and pressed play to his playlist. 

It had been two hours, and all he had done was moving one leg and scratching his nose once. He was having another depressive episode. He knew it. But he didn't want to do anything about it. He wanted to talk with his friends, but he hadn't enough energy to pick his phone and text. He just stared at the ceiling, letting his thoughts drown him. He was drowning, but however, he was still breathing.

He was empty. Elliot wished he was dead. This was not a life, it was a torture. The only reason he kept breathing was because his friends, family deserved to have more than memories of him. He was trying, he really was, to give them more, for them to still have the Elliot they knew. But it was too much.

He wasn't the same Elliot people liked before. He didn't know of he'll ever be again. Maybe the old Elliot was dead and would never come back. Maybe he was just breathing and he could never live ever again.

Recovery. He knew that's what people wanted for him. But he wasn't sure to want it. What if he wasn't strong enough to recover? He couldn't disappoint people like that. He was afraid of recovery. Maybe he would never recover.

What's the point of breathing if you're not living? What's the point to continue if it doesn't get better? What if he wasn't meant to be happy again? Maybe there was a way to get out, he just didn't know if he would make it alive.

It had now been three hours. He was dead, he knew it. But his chest filled with air and his heart beating reminded him he was still alive, physically. Maybe he would never be alive again.

He didn't felt rage, or sadness or even surprise. He felt nothing. He was numb. His body lying on his bedsheets. His eyes pointing at the ceiling. His arms on his chest and stomach. Music playing in his ears. 

He closed his eyes, almost wishing to never open them again.


	9. Disappointment

The iPad on the night stand light up. Demons- by Imagine Dragons, started playing. His tired hand pressed the stop button. His eyes opened with difficulties. He took his iPad and pressed on the home button, opening it. He slides the pages and clicked on the Instagram app. The screen went bright, making him groaned.

He scrolled down for a couple of minutes. His stomach twisted. He felt sick, it happened often. He sat in his bed, putting his head between his hands. He was nauseous, his head turning. He hated it. He got up and went down.

———

He didn't felt present, he felt out of his body. Through the day, he spaced out a lot. He wasn't concentrated. His friends probably noticed that he was distant.

———

Later, he saw Michael. He forced a little smile. He didn't want to Michael to see him like this. But here he was. He continued his way and went straight to his bus.

———

He opened the door. Throw his backpack on the ground and went in his room. He was exhausted. He let his body collapse on his bed, face on his pillow. He turned his head, to breath, even though he wanted to stop. He lays there for half an hour, before his mom got back from work. He got up and went to see her.

———

They ate, and watched tv, like every day. He was tired, like every day. At 8 pm, he finally forced himself to go take a shower. 

He went in his room, took his stuff. He stopped, trying to hear if his mom was still in the living room, she was. He carefully opened his drawer. He grab the small piece of paper, which contained his blade. He put it in his pocket and head in the bathroom.

He closed the door. Took off his hoodie. His eyes met the cuts on his forearm, he was the only one that has ever seen them. He took off the rest of his clothes, except his boxer. He glanced at his reflection. The tall, thin boy in the mirror was broken. He was damaged, mentally and now physically. Small red lines on his thighs, on his left arm. He looked at the blade, on the counter.

He grabbed it with his right hand. He pressed the tip onto the already damaged skin of his arm. He closed his eyes, clenched his jaw. He pressed harder, sliding it. The pain was awful. It was sharp, and precise. 

He opened up his eyes to watch the small drop of blood appeared. He cut again his forearm. He now had five red cuts, bleeding.

He looked down. He brought the blade to his thigh and slide it with force. This pain was worse than every cut he had done before. The blood immediately came to the surface of the skin. He watched it with. He moved the blade up and slide it again, with the same force. And again on his other thigh.

He entered the shower. Turn on the water. Letting it fall on his body. The water at his feet soon became red, because of the blood. Then it went cleared again.

When he got out, he didn't put his pants, not wanting to have blood on them. He pressed a tissue against his cut skin, leaving red marks on it. When it had seem to stop bleeding, he put bandaids on them, knowing they were deep enough to open again.

He went back to his room. Going to bed. His legs hurting. His mind empty. He lied on his back, knowing he wouldn't fall asleep soon. And closed his eyes.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you like it, don’t hesitate to comment!


End file.
